grapefruit tea

So after re-reading my Zombie Survival Guide and watching Shaun of the Dead, I started thinking about what would happen if there was a zombie outbreak tomorrow… would I survive?

And the answer is “probably not, I’ll be screwed.”

First, I considered my living situation at home.

I live in a two-story house in suburbia, Ithaca surrounded by a miniscule fence (to keep out small rodents and deer) in the backyard. We also have a small garden shed and a small shrine room, the latter attached to the house.  We have lots of windows and exits, but it is not necessarily zombie-proof.

Weapons at our arsenal:

• Lots of knives and kitchen cutlery since my parents run a restaurant
• chairs and furniture (lots, we never seem to throw any of them out)
• a ton of half-empty cans of aerosol sprays (hairspray, etc.) that we can set on fire
• a few desk lamps that may or may not helpful for decapitating the undead
• one firearm (my dad’s) but I’m pretty sure it’s a) not loaded b) we don’t have any shells lying about
• a guitar, a cello, and a flute (blasphemous– but hey, if push comes to shove…)
• yard equipment (rakes, hoes, etc.)

Yeah, I’m pretty screwed. This is insanely ironic since my uncle runs a store that sells samurai swords, nunchuks (… that would be totally useless in an actual zombie attack), katanas– you get the point. I’m now tempted to buy one for the sole purpose of self defense (which I’m sure will totally fly with my parents– I’m getting a dull-blade katana for reasons of self-defense, ma, really).

Now, if we were barricaded in our house– we would still be screwed because we don’t have a lot of non-heat perishables. The power would probably get put off soon which would render our stove and microwave useless. So we would probably starve unless we risk going to the grocery store (it’s a ten minute walk, but who knows who would be roaming outside).

I’m now wishing that I took up field hockey or softball or even lacrosse as a kid– anything that involves a bat or a stick that would help me defend myself against the undead. And I’ll need to remember to barricade our skylights and the chimney.

If the zombie outbreak occurred at school, I think Merion is actually relatively zombie-proof.

… I can’t believe I spent ten minutes mulling over this. I think this is why I can’t have nice things.

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Sophomore Year by Stacy