In Which I Modestly Propose Coffee as the Answer to the World’s Problems (Or At Least Mine) [original fiction]
I stumbled upon this on my google docs. Oh man, this brings back such great memories of Ms. Lang’s AP Lit class senior year. (…. Not really.) Anyway, I found it amusing enough to repost. Also, not that anyone cares– I detest coffee unless it’s fake coffee (mochas, frappuccinos, etc.) and would much rather enjoy a nice mug of Earl Grey or green tea.
In Which I Modestly Propose Coffee as the Answer to the World’s Problems (Or At Least Mine)
The morning is gray and dull and sort of hazy around the edges. I hardly see how it’s fair that I have to be up if the sun doesn’t even bother with it. I firmly and furiously hate the color red because it’s glaring at me, and for the rest of my life I’m only going to be able to associate its neon piercing gaze with that grating noise that consistently beeps at me, but feels rather more like someone pounding me over the head with a hammer.
Lifting the device and hurling it towards the wall stops the noise momentarily, but the thing’s indestructible. Its incessant beeping starts again with renewed vigor. The numbers are still glaring–quarter to six, they remind me ever-so helpfully .
The day is the same as all other days for the most part. Somewhere between stumbling out of bed and fueling myself with either tea or coffee (or both), I manage to get dressed and ready for another thrilling day at school. First period is spent listening to students trying to pronounce words in Mandarin with varying degrees of success. Every so often, someone says something so off that it feels like my peers are in on some sort of secret plot–pne to finish off the pulverization of my head, so beautifully begun with the incessant screeching of my alarm clock.
The rest of the day involves dealing with the resulting consistent throbbing feeling in my brain. Some things get accomplished in a few classes. Some, not so much. I try my hardest to ignore the sudden attack of lethargy in the middle of AP Environmental Science but PowerPoint presentations have this unfortunate habit of putting me to sleep. This shows in my test grades.
Time, I decide, belatedly, trying again in vain to stay awake in AP Human Geo—there simply isn’t enough of it. I need a few extra hours, somewhere—hours where I’m not reading this assignment or studying that textbook, hours where I’m not translating this passage or writing that paper, hours where I’m not frantically trying to catch up on homework or working on that group project.
Hours where I’m not feeling guilty for writing for the fun of it, for reading a book for leisure, for logging onto Facebook to pretend (for a short while anyway) that I have a social life, or just for getting a chance to breathe and relax for a bit. But that’s not going to happen. There are lots and lots of things I could propose but adding a few extra hours to the twenty-four hours of the day just isn’t going to happen.
What I need is to cut out those bothersome, most useless hours of my day. The time it takes for me to brush my teeth or wait in line in the cafeteria, they’re a waste of time. The most obvious culprit, however, would be the time I spend sleeping. After all, these hours are clearly not of any use to me. Really, what good is a chunk of twenty-four hours if I spend an average of four to six hours of them in an entirely unhelpful state of unconsciousness?
Obviously, this plan is going to require coffee. Lots of it. Starbucks in a vat, by the vat. Perfect. Fine by me. This way, I can spend my day—all twenty-four full hours of it!—awake, working, and getting things accomplished for once. Surely this way I will become exponentially more productive and intelligent than I could ever hope to be now.
There is the tiny little possibility of ending up half-crazed, or hallucinating after a few days, or, you know, walking dabsmack into walls (which I’m predisposed to doing to begin with), or something equally as embarrassing and disastrous, but who cares about risks like that?
This way, I never have to deal with the obnoxious noise my alarm clock makes in the morning again! I can be the human model of the Energizer Bunny and just keep on going and going (which is what I’m clearly supposed to be doing anyway).
After all, it’s what life is all about! Productivity! Work ethic! There’s always that ever-so-helpful voice in the background, saying, “time management!” which really makes you feel wonderful on a Sunday night when you realize you’ve spent most of the past two days catching up on homework. Manage your hours away until there’s nothing left! Or you could just drown yourself in coffee and forget about time in the first place. Sounds like a nice plan to me.
So don’t mind me when I’m walking into ditches and looking even more zombie-fied than usual. It’s all right; I’m getting this whole existence thing down. You know, the thing they’re preparing you for at school—work and efficiency! Who needs sleep when you’ve got easy access to caffeine, anyway?
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